We’ve got some cruise confession to make. For some time now, we’ve known that the cruise lines, and indeed ourselves, haven’t been entirely honest with you. And it’s time to come clean. These are the five things the cruise lines haven’t been telling you…sorry we didn’t confess sooner.
Cruise confession 1:
They don’t tell you about the dangers of addiction…
With 62% of cruisers returning an average of four times and 84% of cruisers recommending a friend, cruise addiction is a very real and present danger. Wallets will be emptied on your next fix and you’ll forever be thinking about your next hit. As a cruise specialist we encourage all passengers to book responsibly and seek help from the Cruise Forum if your addiction is getting out of hand.
Cruise confession 2:
They don’t warn you of the dangers of being on board…
Cruising is a risky business and we don’t think the cruise lines tell you enough about the hazards you’ll face while on board. Failing to prepare, is preparing to fail, so think ahead.
Always exercise caution when visiting the ship’s buffet; many have fallen foul to the temptations of good food in endless supply. Four course breakfasts quickly become the norm, as do mid-afternoon pastries and midnight pizzas. Next thing you know, you’re holding your jeans together with a hair band around the button and running around the Caribbean trying to find a stockist of Spanx. Remind us again why the on board shops never sell fat pants? They’re missing a trick.
Cruise confession 3:
They forget to mention the cost of not one, but two holiday wardrobes…
‘So, that’s the holiday booked. Definitely not buying anything new though. Definitely, don’t need anything new. Well, maybe a new bikini. My shorts are looking a bit worn, and they’re a necessity. Hmm, formal nights…it’s not very often we have the chance to get all dressed up. I’ll wear something I’ve already got one night and just buy something new for the other.’ And so it goes on…
Try as you might, by the time you go away you’ve got a suitcase full of ‘holiday’ clothes with the tags freshly removed after months of waiting to wear them (law states you absolutely cannot wear holiday clothes at home). I hope you bought those clothes in two sizes – the week-one size and the week-two size. Trade that week-one bikini for a week-two loose kaftan, and think elastic waists for your week-two swim shorts.
You think we’re joking, but after a week of balcony breakfasts, buffets, afternoon teas, poolside BBQ’s and evenings of fine dining, you’re going to need all the space you can get in those week-two trousers.
Cruise confession 4:
They don’t tell you that the paparazzi will be lurking around every corner…
We all know that beauty queens rub Vaseline on their teeth to help them smile constantly for pageants, but did you know it’s actually a trick they learnt over years of cruising?
Paparazzi, or on board photographers as they’re also known, spend their days lurking behind every corner; poised to pounce and force that cheesy grin, without so much as a ‘say cheese’ for encouragement. They are relentless and determined, and nothing will stand between them and the perfect shot of you in your formal wear; next to the pool; posed awkwardly against a panoramic sea view or sunset; [insert other cheesy photo situation].
Rub on that Vaseline guys, you’re going to need it!
Cruise confession 5:
They don’t warn you about the side effects…
Wallets ravaged beyond repair thanks to an endless list of must-do excursions. Broken relationships between parents and children, caused by their reluctance to leave the kids club and set foot ashore ever again. Waves of depression when you arrive home and realise you’ll have to cook your own tea, do your own pots, pay for a babysitter and go back to 5* dining being reserved just for special occasions. A sinking realisation that the closest you’re going to get to a cocktail is a dash of blackcurrant in your half at the local.
All of the above are recognised side effects for those suffering from cruise holiday addiction. If you believe you are suffering from any of these side effects, speak to your Cruise Consultant at Bolsover Cruise Club immediately.